my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
