You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
