I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
