Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
