I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
