I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
