my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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