he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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