As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My vagina is officially offended.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.