You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...