Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
