Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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