Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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