Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
