There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
