you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
