Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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