I need help removing her.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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