the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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