if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
