When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The power of my boobs compel you
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
