can we get nightvision for the apartment?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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