I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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