Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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