His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
