I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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