Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
