This house was built for laser tag.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
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