He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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