I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Sorry my hands just texted you
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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