An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
this boner is exhausting
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
FUCK WHALES
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