nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
