Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
