mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
