One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
