My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
