I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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