who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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