He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
