1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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