WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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