She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
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you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
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I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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