You're earring is so big in my mouth
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
