my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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