Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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