I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My dick has a subreddit
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
