At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have already put on my inside pants.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
