i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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