If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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