hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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