im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just threw up on my dentist
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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