Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
