Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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