I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
