No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
