you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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