this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
